The Ladder

The xx - Islands

2011-07-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

Blur

2011-04-27T22:57:00.001-07:00

Blur my god
kill
season of change
will
fail and rise
brush off ash
vocalize
stain
mobilize
soul
hibernate for
100 years
return to blur
my god
fulfill
a reason to grow
cultivate a new
symptom
descriptive of a
rhythm
implicitly
forgiven
but never
understood
blur.

Feeding Eterna

2011-03-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

Beauty existence a flowing a river going a mountain snow falling gradually a dusting of opportunity a religion once followed wayside wandering boy child growing a progression of stars a silhouette so subtle yes there is a place where sight cannot taste the...

the love words seem to waste mirrorball spinning above dance floor a split second streaming seemingly dreaming however blatantly screaming he goes alone exhibiting a slow breathing reaching a state where in his eye this moment lasts forever.

Return immortal or Mirror dreams eternity

2011-03-05T00:25:00.000-08:00

Relinquish all doubt that i might never win
you are just a memory of the state i've been in
for twenty years, maybe more
regardless
long enough

i am metal, i am god
i am metal god
i am that which believes
that conflict is not real
nor homeostasis,
a dream

they will anger rise
they will spin like jealous wives
they will suffer no acceptance
and no longer will i bow
to the mirrors will they plow.

Vessel

2011-02-06T22:31:00.001-08:00

Volumes speak angels and demons alike,
earthen words, when
selling
souls
elevates misperceptions of
love.

Stay

2011-02-01T23:28:00.001-08:00

and

be hated
be scorned
be adorned
in bleeding robes
be warned

for

Mercury was revolting on his approach
as if dying in the throes of lying

again
be warned

when

rubber bullet chemistries
make music in the air
a formulaic memory
of a time when being bold meant
being true

make me believe there is a reason to stay
in the wane of losing you.

Doma en prescience

2011-01-27T00:31:00.001-08:00

In death I will be free
of you

the ambiguous you
of dreams

nightmarish in essence
coma lingua en prescience

in life i disposed of bodies
pushed them all away

the bodies of the innocent
who knew no better
than to put their faith in me

blood is not blood
sad is not sad
and there are no more tears
if ever there were

the walls they covered
with their own shit
and ceased to eat
to send a message
to a queen,
the ambiguous you,
to never dream.

The Drowning Man by The Cure from the album Faith

2011-01-25T23:26:00.000-08:00

She stands twelve feet above the flood
She stares
Alone
Across the water

The loneliness grows and slowly
Fills her frozen body
Sliding downwards

One by one her senses die
The memories fade
And leave her eyes
Still seeing worlds that never were
And one by one the bright birds leave her ...

Starting at the violent sound
She tries to turn
But final
Noiseless
Slips and strikes her soft dark head
The water bows
Receives her
And drowns her at its ease
Drowns her at its ease

I would have left the world all bleeding
Could I only help you love
The fleeting shapes
So many years ago
So young and beautiful and brave

Everything was true
It couldn't be a story

I wish it was all true
I wish it couldn't be a story
The words all left me
Lifeless
Hoping
Breathing like the drowning man

Oh Fuschia
You leave me
Breathing like the drowning man
Breathing like the drowning man

Slowly going

2011-01-21T00:22:00.000-08:00

Let God die
and don't be afraid to capitalize
on lost souls.

Let hope fade
and try not to kill
on your way out the door.

Tell everyone how you feel
then live alone
misunderstood
forever.

Pray for insanity
or anything to explain this
to warrant an existence
so futile.

I love rainbows, gnomes, smiles, happy faces, and people, people, people.

Change, the moderate, and extremism

2011-01-14T13:05:00.000-08:00

He grew up knowing nothing but hurt.
Everyone he had ever trusted used him.
Abused him.

Today he trusts no one.
They are all out to get him.
The past predicts his future.
Controls his present.

It’s a typical condition.
He is many.
He is the extremist.
On either end of the spectrum.
Righteous in his belief in what is right.
What is wrong

He believes that change for the better is no longer a possibility.
Good does not exist.
Hope is a waste of time.
No friend to his lingua franca.

And when they speak of change, with their candy eyes.
He laughs.
When they suggest giving hope a chance.
He laughs.
When they suggest an open mind.
He claims he has one.
And they cry.

He mocks the other side.
But an extremist is an extremist.
Right or left – neither listens.
Because negativity is a magnet.
Breeds negativity.
Creates circles of friends who flourish.
On mob mentality.
He is right, because his friends are right.

He cannot.
He will not.
See.
What he believes does not exist.
A moderate perspective.
Where change and possibility thrive.

It’s a shame that it is within our human nature to choose sides. For when we choose, we are in effect saying that the other side has nothing to offer, will have nothing to offer. Democracy is no place for the moderate among us. Maybe in the next evolution.

Tactile kinesthetic

2010-12-07T01:44:00.001-08:00

Closer now happy face swell until swollen grab hold hang on a polished smile opens to spew forth wisdom retarded most of this is meaningless a handful of treacherous i shall never give again the way i gave to you.

Swan dive

2010-12-02T16:52:00.001-08:00

Again instantly red against wall so suddenly exposed soul troll I am not here feeling full fear blood love blood lust blood dust ash to rust blood curdle the cradle fall into heaven fly into hell I will for whom it tolls ring that fucking bell smell water pouring acrid in your wake baked earth cracks under fleshy moments movements slight a hand outstretched a sleight of hand now call a phone rings overwhelms undersings a love distraught I wanted things unspeakable I want things unthinkable formulaic in my defense of the ruin of my innocence and in a sense i will have gone a perfect tense child a progression of aspect a lingua Franca unadorned with the shroud of your knowing remiss against my going.

Some thoughts on nothingness

2010-10-18T10:51:00.001-07:00

A certain fearlessness has developed in me. For those of you familiar with English grammar, you may have noticed that I used the passive voice in the previous sentence. Passive seems appropriate because I have not intentionally sought out this fearlessness to which I refer now. In other words, it has not been an active process.

What am I talking about? I ask myself this everyday. What does it mean to suggest that I have become fearless? Simply stated, I no longer fear the end. Have I ever feared the end? I'm not sure, but I think maybe the end to me means something not quite so obvious. I mean to say, the end to me means the relinquishment of beliefs in external mythologies, i.e. religions, faiths, new ageisms, etc.

When I was a kid, I feared the devil. I used to pray every night before bed and ask God to send his army of angels to protect me from Satan and his minions. I feared being taken to some kind of fiery hell; I feared death because I was immersed in the mythology of religion, caught up in it's vast whirlwind of control.

I no longer believe. I have wiped my lenses clean of the shit bespeckled upon them by millennia of the inculcation of a myth. There is no god.

And hence, there is no heaven, nor is there a hell. There is no Satan, nor are there any evil demons doing his bidding, though I'm sure some wild-eyed Christians out there would suggest that my hand is being guided by the Evil One himself. That I have chosen to not believe, to not fall in line with those who claim they know a thing that cannot be proven, is the reason for my fearlessness.

There is freedom in giving up faith, in the religious sense of that word. For the longest time, even as a child, I struggled to believe. I tried to bend my mind around concepts that seemed ludicrous even to a 12 year old. I lived in fear for my soul, carefully monitoring my every move.

It's a wonderful feeling to be free. Free from the fear of judgement, of what lies beyond. There will be no supreme being waiting to judge me when I pass away. I am free now to die without worry of where I am headed - I am headed nowhere. I have never been afraid of going nowhere. Just as no-thing can hurt me, nor can no-where do me harm.

My mood has been lifted. I relax more. I'm no longer afraid to speak my truth. I do not monitor my words so as not to upset those around me who differ in opinion. I'm not afraid to walk to the store at night for a beer thinking I may be mugged or jumped. Those things can of course happen and may indeed happen, but I do not fear them and thus maybe I do not attract that sort of negativity. Fear is a magnet for negativity. People who live in fear become targets more often than those who don't. People who show confidence or lack of fear pose more of a threat to potential assailants. Confident victims tend not to allow themselves to become victimized as often as those who succumb to fear. Robbers want to control their victims through the overt application of fear - one who doesn't fear death, fears no thing, fears no where, fears no one.

Location:Roosevelt Way NE,Seattle,United States

Bones

2010-10-12T17:02:00.001-07:00

Some variance in measure has been collected
in the winter of my heaven's gate

for the wicked, for the wild,
for the judged so full of hate...

i will fold her bones into nice tidy piles
place them alongside the others
in an empty corner of my room where my mind no longer goes
where darkness, where nothing grows

just a spoonful of marrow
and a shot full of shadow
behind a framed fading image of her life in the throes of a beautiful deathcurl
i will seal my fate
swallow her whole
smearing her chalky white paste
across the barb-wired memories
writ across my smoking face

i will rise for you
from deep within you
to love you
to destroy you.

Virgin afternoon

2010-09-21T00:08:00.001-07:00

How shallow we should die
in the river you and i
in the wake of an afternoon
of a virgin autumn's bloom

and music they would play
a game or two today
as came would floating by
our bodies you and i

come with may and take
pride lion pry open sie geht
with april an hour past
fall water flow over go fast

on a virgin afternoon
in the wake of an autumn's bloom
how shallow we should die
in the river you and i.

Bastion

2010-09-07T13:31:00.001-07:00

He makes eye contact
with an open wound
grows teeth to eviscerate the masses
becomes fearless
then unleashes the leashed

he repeats a simple phrase
ya zhiv
not too far off in the hazy distance
falling buildings do not escape this truth
they disintegrate steadily
as leavened ashes burn evenly
he receives the gift of millions

the phoenix does not rise
he moves right through us
implodes, reloads
intentionally destroys all we have so brazenly created

the teeth of his wounding
multiply, never deny the gift of his song
(a howl of a billion stars dying)
a yell and a wail
what the brilliant among us call hell

he seeks you out as you bar your doors at night
while you try in vain to forego the carrion pain
for yours is not to live on this earth
while his is to seek revenge
the fiery, armored raptor kills at will
he was built to forever fuck you in the face
to crush you into dust
to devour you whole
and shit out your empty soul

so welcome the next knock at your door
it is not evil, the fate that awaits you
(your flaw is that you make such distinctions)
it is your destiny to come to an end tonight
your curiosity for pain will live again in you
defined through the things you will never get to do

he begins

my name is Truth
and i have come bearing death
come of my own accord
there is nothing i need
not a thing i want
my purpose was not writ by any of your man-made gods
i have created my own purpose
i am the embodiment of anti-purpose

now

upon your knees
you know the drill

beg.

1969

2010-08-11T02:31:00.000-07:00

Crush
magnet
valentine

terror
eyes
a neighborhood

bleed
seed
birth

and always, yes always,

offer up a fresh throat for good measure.

Longboard, or Moment of clarity

2010-08-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

Consortium of maggots
determine the shape i’m in
on longboard in motion
slow all time
again

i breathed in your attention span
as i powerslid into nowhere land
and gravel dusted bones electric
while nerve endings witnessed
your vacant display of indifference

i am the receiver of the dim wit
the dreamer of the same shit
that you regurgitate over and over
as i carve majestic across this utopian
plain

so

i will give up the wish
once and for all
and regret not effort misplaced
on longboard
i will go not disgraced
home.

Love

2010-08-07T00:49:00.000-07:00

There was a question
i never did get answered
it was about you
it was a long time ago
when i used to dig pits
and fill them with broken things
and old photos of people i thought i knew

i think
treasure is not always what we want it to be
sometimes it echos reality in its extreme
other times we want to bring back the dead
make them live again
the right way
our way
knowing full well that our perceptions are fragile
nothing so agile
as the life we forgot to lead

but i have buried everything for good this time
and now i will step forward
into the known world
and feign that i move clueless and wide-eyed
through this
fucking bullshit.

Romantica, or Taking blood

2010-08-05T01:08:00.001-07:00

Moving needle
under taut skin
seek out with all diligence
a new sin

terror has its perceivers
as does the muse her own kin
die romantica
to begin again

a new day
fog
where was i last night?

shoes a mess
covered grim
blood stains smile back
mocking dead memory
shocking through melody
a desire to revisit old friends
a fire to rekindle my dead limbs

48 hours
and a sky of change
and i was the fog
of a new frame
of mind
game
so lame
the blood stains
smile back
mocking her trembling hand
as she finally hits the right vein
“there we go”
and a thought
“if i could draw
i would blood
take.”

She is

2010-07-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

Warily drifting astronaut
settle into new skin
it’s her
a phenomenon made of stars
pass by me like cars ablaze
desperately seeking release
from this place
or at least
a glance cast my way

as 40 billion worlds coalesce above
we readdress the newtonian physic
seek the graviton
simplistic
keying in the correct coordinates
as her skin aglow signals
the epidermal flow
the nearness of the end

however
we might go to the park
in the pm when the cars do not desire to mark their space
casting glances cast in clay
a super-subtle semiotic decay
when avoidance of the other
seems like a safe place
in arms of cooling fire
burns an undesire
to ungod this entire race

settle now easily into a comfy chair
stare
at nothing in particular
as all time replays
repeatedly delays
the next iteration
a compilation of
a biochemical revelation
and the phenom that
she is.

Bodies of water

2010-04-12T07:42:00.001-07:00

Mirror my emotion
when sailing upon
frozen ocean
call upon me
to warm your
dying sea.

The death romantic

2010-03-20T01:45:00.001-07:00

There is a sound that
escapes this town
makes a soul deskin
and favor the void
it has not yet been
living
in

steady as she goes
the death romantic
throws the world to the
wind
makes foreign particles of
light
blend
in

with i were i without you now
sea shallow
boned-marrow
frown
bury your heart
to begin aga
in.

In the guise of love

2010-03-15T17:17:00.001-07:00

Falter against broken altar
knees bruised and bloodied, red
how far we have crawled
to have come not far at all.

Continue passing judgement.
Perpetuate your mythology.
Exclude all who do not accept.
Disseminate hate
all in the guise of love.

A memory

2010-03-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

Let me please you, so that i might forget to
please me
let me be the ice that picks
you forever free
let me pass through this world
a memory.

Ever

2010-02-21T22:57:00.001-08:00

Ever
i were on your wind
a flyer gliding
an atom warming

the call
it will never end
to take sides
to choose a friend

smile
a vile sign of an empty mind
an abuser's crime -
would you look at the time?

dive
as the lies
and the truths
pass through you.

Flicker

2009-11-30T12:48:00.000-08:00

When i was on fire
i burned for you

and once ashen,
i would, in a certain fashion,
rekindle the flame
so as to never fade,
to forever
flicker
in your
wild wind,

to be the same.

Space Walker

2009-11-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

My new Song

Immortal

2009-09-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

Had i love for you
at one point
i would not let you go

seen i your face in moonlight
glow, grow, to take on
an extraordinary form

you were god to worship
you were so much more than
the flesh that keeps us here
you were mine

and a rhythm now suggests
its okay to let it go
it will take on a new life
express itself in a new way

but i cannot sense the loneliness
i have become
it feels like home
numb
home
run
gone
dumb

a part of nothing
cannot ever truly merge
we cannot feel the same
we will always experience
in our own way
and it’s a shame

if you could only see through mine eyes
if you could only sense with my soul
know what i know
i think you might find
that each of us is truly a world
unto ourselves,
utterly alone

had i love for you
i was immortal.

Sociopath

2009-07-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

It was in the way i promised i loved her
then departed forever

and also in the way i ran from family
without so much as a glance back

and even moreso in the way i shunned a friend
throwing away years of brotherly love

and it will be there in the way i leave you
when i perceive you’ve turned against me
as you did today.

Swoon

2009-06-26T00:22:00.001-07:00

In the night
i am reminded of every other
night i’ve spent alone
of the endless procession
of time
gone

of the moments where
it was never too soon
to initiate the ecstasy of my
swoon

under the vellum tabled
candy stacks
where i sought refuge in
the smile of your
coming
within the syncopation of my
strumming
against the rhythm of our
humming

i handed you an
invitation
to the
end.

At the optometrist's

2009-05-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

Out amongst you all today
all my energy seemed to drain away
bodies activated moving about
speaking, saying something or other
to one another
in tongues, tones, colors
i could not comprehend

then i thought
there are so many of us
cajoling about
bouncing from place to place
no real direction
fully knowing
though never showing
the futility of our
footsteps

i want to wipe away the sun
turn back time so that none of this
had ever begun
i want to burn up the night sky
and watch planes fall
to the hell below
where we dwell for show
i want to be free of my kind
once and for all
so that for once i wont feel
ashamed to speak my truth

out amongst the dying today
i saw them
the faces of the old
i saw their expressions
growing cold
i saw the distrust in their eyes
upon offering a smile
just something warm for awhile
but no
my kindness is a waste of time
but time, i fear,
is all i have

it seems i need new glasses.

Good cancer

2009-05-13T01:12:00.001-07:00

I’ve been thinking about cancer. I wonder if there will ever be a cure. I would like to think so. So many people suffer from various forms of this terrible disease. It would be great if cancer just simply stopped killing, ceased expressing its destructive behavior. Wishful thinking, eh? But maybe I’m hinting at the concept of remission without fully understanding the issue – I don’t claim to be a medical doctor. These are just thoughts I’ve had recently. Just sharing. Or blogging - whatever you want to call it.

I can’t stop thinking about it, though. I imagine all these crazy things, like what if cancer not only eradicated its own destructive nature, but also promised certain benefits to one’s life? Hey, then everyone would want cancer, right? Yeah, I know. Crazy talk. It’s late.

Nonetheless, I happen to think that there are certain things in this world, of which many of us seem to be unaware, that have the inherent tendency to destroy. I guess cancer would be one of these certain things. However, unlike cancer, many of these things do not immediately appear to be dangerous. They may even appear to be good for us. I would urge you to look around, look closer at what seems to have always been there, either right in front of you, as a part of you, or somewhere in your periphery. Look at those things, ideas, concepts, beliefs. Are they destructive? Have they ever been destructive? If so, would you choose to let them remain a part of your worldview? Would you choose to have good cancer, a former killer, even if there were proof that in its current state, it was harmless and possibly even beneficial to your existence? I myself would have to pass, for past behavior is often a strong indicator of future behavior, and therefore, I feel I couldn’t trust good cancer. Sorry good cancer – I’m not a believer.

Well-mannered, boy

2009-05-10T01:56:00.001-07:00

Put pen to paper
to doodle away the memories
of you drawing near
on nights
like these

for a second we had
a moment
and for that one moment
we knew why
but reality needs
no virtue
when we are headed
home

refrain
from beating blistered hands
restraint
show some if you can
remain
always at a distance
again

because
for a while we were
on fire
and in that fire
we knew why
but my vanity
is self-fulfilling
not in the least prophetic
oh but we knew why

i carried your books to school that
day.

Ferris wheel

2009-05-09T01:09:00.000-07:00

Let me gather raindrops
as the bass line keeps me warm
on this a new day
where i need to be whole

there is an ocean
alive, breathing into me
save i come
into raindrops
give i life
to a fresh start
stirring

and know

there is a moment
alive, setting to be free
save you love
into raindrops
gave i god
without words
blurring

the truth -
there isn’t
one

my hands are harnesses
my eyes are stars
my life is a subroutine
so let me dream
the darkness
into tidal waves
and flood the cities
black and back
into wettest coal
where i need not
be whole
where a ferris wheel
spins out of control
where you
finally
let me be
happily,
your anomaly.

Thrusting greyward

2009-05-08T01:09:00.001-07:00

I woke up on my back in the middle of an empty stadium. Staring above at greying sky. A slight breeze coming. Sitting up, I am alone in this place. The seats - empty. No game today? I thought for sure the M’s were playing the A’s. Where is everyone?

All I remember is a face. Broadcasting through a massive web. A man’s. Staring at me. Expecting god only knows what. And a sick nauseating emptiness slowly coming over me. And then gone.

I will not hold your hand while you try to understand me. So if what comes next fails you completely then resort to labeling me – therein lies your safety.

Did you know that there is a moment when ‘broken’ cannot capture the essence of what we become when we realize the absurdity of time – or more to the point - the unmiracle of our kind? When they, like cockroaches, flutter and flitter before us, as if instinctually knowing how powerless they make us feel, and smash us to pieces within a self-projected horror field.

I don’t know where I am. No, I think I do. The point is, I don’t know where you are. Any of you. There was supposed to be a game here today. But my head hurts now. And there is static electricity in the air - a storm is coming – has come.

But in that former place, I know I requested to be at ground zero. I boasted that I wanted to experience the event horizon – to bleed sunshine. And part of me knows that I am there now. Or here, where I have taken the stadium. Claimed it for myself, having won nothing, for I am nothing without you - my accomplishments cannot be completely realized without them first having been observed by you.

Dew stained grass thrusting greyward through swollen fingers – there is peace in this holocaust.

Los angeles after midnight

2009-03-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

Part I

Breathing heavy
cold rain coming
trying to light a cigarette
as if it were the only thing
to save me

headlights come and go
pass by on waves of god
i have been here before
and the message is no less
loud and clear

inhale at the guardrail
los angeles in the distance
coming for me -
a million or more specks of light
departing from the streets below

leaning forward
holding myself steady
exhale years of confusion
the truth has come
i am not the only one
but i might as well be
the only one to …

Part II

There is a humming in the air
it comes and it goes
and goes and goes
until almost gone
until lost in the beating
of the rain against my coat

then ultimately she returns
with a new song
suggests we were all wrong
that reason is not for the young
for their realm is fantasy
and conflagration

i have wandered
seemingly aimlessly
a thousand times
on wet nights like this
no umbrella
to protect me
no need for company
no reason
to control me

i thought i would regret everything
i thought for sure i’d repent
but years of uncertainty
have somehow cleansed me of
the need for
final understanding

there is fire that doesn’t burn
and ice that cannot freeze
life that cannot live
and death that never ends

12:33 am
soft lights a blur before me
closing in surround me
a sacred city
this winged love.

Epicentric

2009-02-23T22:37:00.000-08:00

Sound bombards
assaults the senses
like a lover’s call
parting the waves of the sublime
somehow mocking time
foregoing the necessity
of rhyme
breaking formal law
destroying expectation
with one hand to heaven
and the other to hell
a forced acquaintance
an unnatural stance
so let the tone define
the meaningless
let the waves be also
particles
and disavow
everyone, everything, every rule,
every procedure, every myth, that
haunts to constrain us
taunts to debrain us
ultimately failing to shame us
be epicentric
and self-metered
be without judgment
be a life without bounds
be not led but lead
be unwilling to compromise
when they plead
for you to stand in line
when they cry that you make them feel
uncomfortable
anxious
when you walk your own path
be free
be free
be free
be no longer cuffed to group ideals
embrace chaos with a moral compass
live a life less fleeting
live alive and
be not owned
think hard on what it is
you really own
be a mystery to the world
and only then
will you have been
to thine own self
true.

A formation of stars

2009-02-18T15:04:00.000-08:00

In the cold vastness of space
i floated effortlessly
and you, a light year away,
signaled to me
to come

there, you said
we are like a formation of distant stars
shining for the light of the other
collapsing inward at times
beginning again
waiting for a new dream
of a melody swimming
through dark waters
snaking its way into our hearts
not knowing when or where to start
or how it will…

so, let me fly tonight without shame
to see your face light up the shattered skies
to hear you breathe we are not alone
to be reassured that our time
is indeed illusory
if not also precious.

Golem

2009-02-05T00:29:00.000-08:00

Slowly lift the plastic shade. Blue sky. Few clouds. A kind of visual quietude. Then a sound. A voice. “Do you need anything, sir?” I smile, looking up, “No. No thank you.” I return my gaze to the horizon. The air is music. Moves through me. Blends into ancient emotions. Melodies. Suggests the timelessness of an underlying reality. Befriends me. Holds me mesmerized. Reminds me of swimming pools I used to dream in. Those watery depths that had invited me to stay like a friend in need of some company. If she were form I would caress her face. Let her know that we are safe. But my life is not water bound. Nor meant for flight. I am earth. I am clay. I am often at odds with being thus made. I want to experience the weightlessness of life unencumbered by the flesh. I want to go off leash for just a moment to run freely amongst infinity. To unknow the meaning of linear certainty. To witness the birth of the soul. To no longer be what I can no longer bear to be. Earthbound. Of this earth. Your golem.

Valkyria

2009-01-23T22:27:00.001-08:00

Tuesday morning. Nearing nine. Pencil to paper. Dotting an i. Turning abruptly towards my office window. NYC engulfed in shadow below.

A giant has come to tell a story.

I place my hand upon the glass as if to signal the approaching maiden. 470 miles per hour then halt. 100 floors up - an atom’s breadth away - she rests upon a false precipice with wings extended. She beckons an embrace.

Quiet.

What is happening? Seems time has stopped. Somehow calm. Palm to pane. The surface cool to my touch. I wonder if the giant on the other side can sense my presence as much as I am able to sense its own. Then a crackling cuts through the silence. The window begins to come apart. Fine white lines spider outward in all directions. A thin glacier looming. Then her voice. A whisper living within my head. Till Valhalla!

Earlier this morning. At Kaffe 1668. I had a cup of coffee with a close friend. She was upset. Though I tried I could not console her. She works in an office two doors down from me. I wonder if she is there now. I walk over. She sits at her desk perusing a ledger of some kind. A sort of reckoning of our time. She is a mannequin to my being. Her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. I caress her cheek. I want to hold her. I would like to have comforted her. But my love is alien. Out of place. Out of time.

Back to my office. The window now a semi-translucent canvas of stars. I know this is where I must be. I am not afraid. I am at peace. Again I place my hand upon the glass as if to welcome the Valkyr. I loosen my tie. Breathe in.

Then.

A supernova. Exploding all about me. Into me. Through me. Thousands of tiny bits of glass engulf me. Become me. Instantly undo me. I merge with fire. Disintegrate into ash. I make my way upward through twisting writhing metal. I leave everything and nothing behind.

The next day. 4000 miles away. There upon a vast tundra. A young golden-haired woman upon an enormous dark horse throws her arms heavenward. Transfixed in this pose. She calls out to a flight of ravens above. Till Valhalla!

Lightning, rainbows, heaven

2008-10-02T00:02:00.000-07:00

Fecal state the mattress
rots a virgin’s puerile fate
on ashen pallor a cellar door
is dashed into bits

   we are not made of lightning
   we are not made of any such thing
   our existence is not so virtuous
   this hour has come for thieves to take

and bloodied nose
drains floral patterns into storm drain
into street beaten back by rain
some teeth there make for quite the display

   i want to burn money
   turn god into gold
   race dragon fire as it burns
   a village to the ground

but hers is a scream i'd never heard
is magic, is death, is purged,
used, broken, abandoned, discarded,
…he got his fill

   matter is not made of lightning
   is not the fanatic’s calling
   is deeper than we know
   is the very edge of bleating
   rainbows lead to heaven.

Sysius, Rufus, and the vacant state

2008-09-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

In the fit of my atmosphere
i had only just succumbed
to your intent
to destroy me

happily i would engage
you happily
set the stage
for my tragedy
enraged

i clamored
i climbed
i clung
to the divine
within
to drive away
a darker yet still
foreshortened
sin

i am Sysius
the caretaker of gardens
not our own

i am Rufus
moderater of games
long gone
dead

i am the desecrator of monuments
to the nearly immortal
and the spit in your face
after your gravest offense

i’m frightened
i’m delusional states
i’m encapsulated mythos
rhyming against rhyme
reasoning against reason
without either
i am vacant.

Conduit

2008-07-28T23:37:00.001-07:00

Forward i have come
found parents of the under one
blamed regards to irreplaceable vices
chose to implement
what has never been done

now a view not determined
normal
her self-esteem taken
a certain mental
conduit maiden
hell

but i am not brazen
nor am i made of the same
mettle
my time is...
seems somehow different
less virtuous
more
contemptuous

a voice, an entity, travels
a fiber-optic pathway
to my doorstep
disappears
all at once
alone

but there is beauty in the silence
a vague fountain of life unspent

over there
a horse in slow motion
stops
looks at me
recognizes something
kneels
beckoning
through the haze
no sounds
just motion
moving as if by instinct
as if in sync with some
unseen force
moves forward
to initiate what has never been done.

Dwell

2008-07-22T22:12:00.001-07:00

Rivers of sub-atomic
particles,
articulated syllables,
all misinterpreted
rituals,
i have forgone

sightless have i
undone the ties that
blind
forward my heart
to make relevant
a constructed emotion
i have blended
slight

a backwards glance
suggests there might
have been a chance,
a gathering of stars

but an ocean grows ever
deeper
where those particles collide
where i sit
at the foot
of purest creation
where place cannot derive
location
where location is
not fixed
where you,
as if in static silence,
dwell.

Guide

2008-07-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Still,
i have not died
quiet,
I can be your guide
for the time spent on selfish endeavors
had been set aside
some time ago

but your eyes,
speak truths yet unspoken
see not exponential threats
so broken go
my lies,
beautiful lies
with which to teach the way
to heaven
while green is the sound
of my heart breaking
is not the color of my soul aching
is not the blade of
your sharpest
bite

so there is distance in the
cool air tonight
but you are
still

and there is reluctance on
the fence for now
but i have not died
quiet.

Warm Gargoyle

2008-07-20T01:25:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow
the time-shifter
comes

for
some borrowed
stolen
returns
and
a livid color
to reprimand

this entity -
a conscious state,
bearing not the slightest…
wait
see it spilling over,
see its contents,
sober

and riot i
some volatile scent
in a land
a firmament
an earthly
façade
with no precedent
for the burn
to come

so perch on the cornice
my man
as we gargoyle
to the avenue
and catch the
afterglow of their cigarette-
stained lips
a sorry sodden
leatherette
a handful of
nothing i can do
a headline of empty blurbs
for you

or an ode to no one
in particular,
in other words
our time is not ours,
is gone.

Marathon

2008-07-10T16:16:00.001-07:00

Striding figures
move steadily along
broken pavement
mouths moving through
one eighth inch thick glass
a window framing
a familiar scene

machines sail on
rivers of fractured
asphalt
more heading south
than north

today the clouds do not
smother the sun
today the pilgrims come
and go
today voices clash, merge
into a cacophony, an
avoidance of what surely is
to come

marathon - this existence,
this place
a pram, a child, a future,
a sequence of ones and zeros,
a string of choices -
this magic we carry -
a look, a glance
away.

Eta Orionis and The precision of stars

2008-05-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, a beautiful blue binary star exploded off the westernmost crest of Orion’s Belt. Her time, as they say, had finally come.

And for a while, the aftermath of this event - the debris and resultant radioactive material - moved out and away into the vast expanse of space that had lain for millennia just beyond her reach.

Now, moving lifeless, mindless, still with that certain precision of stars, she follows a path predetermined by 900 light years of terrestrial anticipation.

And somewhere, on a dreaming planet some distance away, a young biped sits admiring a smallish outcropping of rocks lying at the place where beach becomes ocean. He scans the ground for something, only half expecting to find what he is looking for. And then, there it is. He picks up the dead technology, acknowledges the power it had once given. Wraps it ceremoniously in six blades of greenest grass. Holds it up over his yellow head. Then, in some ritual fashion, welcomes the end of the burning sky and vanishes into the nothingness of Eta’s final embrace.

Quiet - her fire burns in the distance. Moving out and away. Absorbing the milky white tentacles of a forgotten galaxy. Reigniting consciousness in a new way. Oblivious to form in this one moment.

How the rocks did glisten.

Infinitive

2008-05-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

Need not come on strong
to need
not come on i
need not come on
to need
not come at all
come not i
to equalize
raise the living
to join
the dead
id been counting blades of greenest grass
to quiet
the voices in my head
when Jane had made her way
across the slow parade
having seen countless particles of matter
tumbling
stuttering to shatter
a new way,
the good road home
when
to listen is
to know
that
we need not come on strong
to need not
come at all.

Valence

2008-04-19T00:02:00.001-07:00

Valence is not gravity
pulling
or a mathematical sequence
of arbitrary events

it is a misunderstanding
ever expanding
finally going

going gone

and magnetic fields, i am told,
envelop the earth
to keep the sun from
burning us to death -
we cannot see these things
yet we are assured of their existence

i wonder if what i haven’t proven
with mine own intellect
really breeds truth
i wonder if what they have told us
is not a lie
i wonder if a mind can lose its own mind
after giving in to reason for an hour or two

finally,
in this reality, i wonder if that same reason
can save us
while in the next,
(the one just beside me)
i know it cannot.

Bone rider

2008-03-31T17:00:00.001-07:00

The road was littered with bones
human, so long ago

it seems they had taken the stadium and begun the slow process
of weeding out

and my love for you was a flower
regardless

but i am not a part of this paradigm
i am not structured
i am not you

my body is a house
a temple for a mouse

while you are so completely separate
distinct

a beauty unqualified
part hypnotized
tundra

aural is the sound a soul makes
when it lacks connection
goes misunderstood
goes

and no matter how much we ride this flame
the flesh will ultimately keep us apart
to savor the flavor of
absolute isolation.

To nagus verve, desanctuary

2008-02-07T22:37:00.000-08:00

To nagus verve
i perpetuated a rhyme
where once had been reason
subdued and pantomimed

and urged, i succumbed
to an illness, expanding,
and delivered a fragile fate,
a momentary loss of control,
as the next failure became reality

but i had stolen words
to explain away the hypocrisy of
my disease,
some kind of narcissistic mantle
of disbelief
that shattered those tiny
particles of time that had been sold
to nagus verve,
desanctuary

to verb infinitely,
is to participle the apostate,
where resting is measured formally,
assured of a sudden truth
i had already known,
my blind tongue
engraved:

i am addiction,
replete.

The crow and the foil

2008-01-25T01:24:00.000-08:00

An attraction
that’s what this is all about
or a space more desolate
or a spineless vertebrate
burning tired skin
watching hell from a safe distance
don’t they know we understand
that
a young boy knows
his legacy?

a metallic shimmering fold
some ways off on the horizon
catches his attention
fleeting
files for an extension
on shallow new
dimensions discovered while

you

admire

nothing

so tangible.

Feint

2008-01-04T00:52:00.000-08:00

A rotation of sound
around a fountain of you
and a deep, dark, pulsing whisper
haunts me tonight

i’ve bested myself
in a game of empty variables
lost my way
in a hollow embrace
and now
haunted
i’m saving
nothing

and

there’s a ghost of a man
there, just behind me
dodging reflections,
feinting,
but regardless
he’s there
the one
representing
disillusionment
hinting at nothingness
somehow
comforting,
his cold
whisper.

A condition of terms

2008-01-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

Words-
i am one in six billion
fingers
searching for a way to explain
but this strange language is man-made
and doesn’t seem to express
what made me not want to get dressed-
today

i am petrified
forest-
more quiet than quiet
as you fall in line
at the drop of a dime
signaling the end
of my time

i want so much not to be
human,
to remove the body
to finally
be
understood.

Join the wind

2007-12-11T23:39:00.000-08:00

Sound of heater
casting gently,
stealing
momentary, low gravity
head hanging
before dirty keyboard
wishing, feeling
i was young

glance
right
sudden tugging
desire to transcend
mass that i am
to pull apart
yes, to come apart,
to be blown away
to
again
join the wind.

Feral

2007-11-14T23:00:00.001-08:00

Toying,
i was an atom bomb,
i was an explosion one thousand meters
above the earth
a wild one
there beside a small fissure
in time
a fissure, man,
can’t you see
can’t you nibble
can’t you take me there
toying

feral i am
flipping through empty pages
killing rhyme
to burn back
a backlash of
borrowed crime
feral aren’t we
the wild ones
killing so freely

i’d give two cents
to be that boy again
doing wheelies
down the street.

19C

2007-11-10T01:52:00.000-08:00

The 737 ripped in half. Or into thirds or fourths, I can't be sure. Regardless, it came apart at aisle 17, just two rows in front of mine. And now I'm falling.

The cold air whips at my body. I'm freezing, though I feel a certain warmth, a wet something, coming from my left ear. Must have been the explosion. I can no longer hear - I can only feel the living wind whooshing past me. I try desperately to pull my arms into my chest, to keep them from flailing about. I continue to fall.

Occasionally, other passengers, faces terribly distorted, soar past me, plummet to the earth some 18,000 feet below. I try unsuccessfully to close my eyes. I start to spin, pitching downward, still attached to a bit of undestroyed plane, buckled in tight. Passengers, once beside me - gone forever. I see nothingness before me, a beautiful blue emptiness enveloping me, and a dimming sun against clouds that beckon to embrace me.

I'm going to black out. I'm going to be sick. It's so cold. I need out of this seat. Can I fight the centrifugal force to release the safety belt? I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again. Then, success. I'm free.

Everything begins to move in slow motion. I carefully push off, away from 19C, and watch it slip away into the void below. I'm falling, completely alone now, unrestrained. For a moment, I'm at a loss for action. Then, gradually turning into the rising wind, into the earth that holds the horizon at bay, I spread my arms like some majestic bird and dive.

My life does not flash before my eyes. I have no final memories of loved ones. No reminiscences of times past. No recollections of anything I have been or have ever done. Everything I am, everything that defines me, the good, the bad, everything, all of it leaves me, falls away from me, like some baggage that only now I realize has held me captive for so long.

I am no longer Joh... I am not my name. Names, words, words that rarely ever succeeded, they fail me again. But this time it’s somehow different - language disintegrates, and my thoughts, are finally liberated. They have survived the linguistic storm, and thus reveal themselves for what they have always been - pure truth, pure reaction to sensation – unnamed, undefined, unjudged.

Time comes and goes. My body hovers ever closer to what must surely be the end. My clothing tears at my flesh. I rip off my shirt, silently screaming. I tear at my pants, desperately trying to disengage from them. Finally, I am as I was upon my arrival. I am flesh and I am blood. No more, no less. I smile.

For a brief, beautiful moment, I am once again human - free.

Stay

2007-02-18T01:27:00.000-08:00

These things,
they float into my periphery
the faces, the places,
the everyday mundane
and added together
can weigh less than
a cement feather,
and mean so much less
than the bleating wail of a white cat
before the storm of apocalypse

yet we are prisoners here
sheltered not by land
but by a vast open expanse that
seeks it’s own end
through the drive-in stare
of a dead-end nightmare

so i have to…
i have to never know
that the faces and the places
are not cold
if i am to ever stay here
if i am to ever
grow old.

Stint

2007-01-20T01:43:00.000-08:00

Twisting into an empty wind
my mind
a helicopter
hovers
floats
as dusk
settles in

then

a scattering of particles,
slowly grows
marks my steady approach
as vacant thoughts release
fear
and a voice through
a drifting fog
announces
"all clear"

now

grounded
i am drowning
in time spent alone
waxing poetic,
forever recounting
a less energetic stint,
or a period of cool evenings
some years ago,
when i learned how to kiss you,
when i learned i could miss you
and in the end i found...
i can miss you
even as i kiss you

"it's time to go."

Among my static

2007-01-11T18:02:00.000-08:00

A few notes gently falling
describe another place
where you dwell
in dreams
a million miles away

sliding, slipping,
never content,
never staying,
not in one place,
not for too long,
and never satisfied,
nor ever worried
that this reality can't give you
what you want

and it’s me you remind me of,
a reluctant breeze that caressed your ear
on a fractured, swollen day
as you fumbled, frowning,
for your keys
in a harried sort of way

but i see now
my wind is no match
for the wall of sound that
breaks forth from your lips,
full and round,
and the way that i’ve found
to make the ground
seem a bit more stable,
a kind of cement table,
among my static
where our waves are not
water bound

but distance is a demon
a burden you support
convenient enough
at times
to keep us apart
but i don’t want to play
anymore

i want you to experience
being alone.

Destroyer II

2006-12-12T01:05:00.000-08:00

Unafraid
i stripped away
the flesh that clothed circumstance,
and the rhyme that held my world in check,
curiously began to lose its place

(i had become I)

and pulling you into my arms
i held you there
a flower
had you become

and those who claimed
that this would somehow
be strange
drifted away
having curtained the coma,
a sentimental veil that protected us
from the blinding, burning light of judgment,
the usual light of day

and folding into the boiling bubbling sky,
that is nighttime in this rural town,
i remember to remind myself that
i will always seek to break everyone
except for you.

Coin

2006-12-08T00:12:00.000-08:00

Fourteen seconds into this
i searched for a word that never came
the only thing left
for me to do
was
break the screen
to make it seem
that i could alter
reality
was
plant the knife
in fertile hands
where a penance became
eternity

or fourteen seconds into this
i’d found a new philosophy
i’d opened a wound, apparently
and God, there,
spoke of broken tunes
of notes unnoticed
of…

and signing below
in time
encoded signature
unloaded caricature
of man-exploded
polygons

but your geometry
cannot capture clearly
or sequent nearly
enough emotion
to fractal this notion
that i have blent
these murderous hands
into trivial lands just
to please you out of
the life i’d presume
to squeeze you
but i cannot make you die
you imaginary coin.

Untitled

2006-11-17T00:39:00.000-08:00

Darkness is a bullet
a friend i’ve never met
a comfortable place i’m sure
undoubtedly romanticized

but i long for release
for painless finality
acquired fatality
a different state

and so

i’m glad they never really
knew me
that i never really
let them in
for the distance i’ve maintained
...

a memory on the wind.

Both

2006-11-04T00:37:00.000-08:00

Moving at the speed of black
i push the paint that stuns the color
and wonder whether i wonder whether
shy lips presume
a kiss for you

but

they whip around, come around
casting sparks
setting ablaze
this violent haze
so i can lay bare the liason
between hardly fade on
so i can carve the figment
of your face
that now encroaches on this
blistered space

and watching it fall
I speed up
as you slow down,
and we finally, both,
crash to the quiet ground

so

let it out
throw it out
release the beast
inspire sound
scream your
fairy
apple-skinned
sonnet

while

a dusty telephone rings
in a vacant motel room
on Aurora.

Gold

2006-11-03T01:17:00.000-08:00

Soft sirens
gently warn
of a coming
thunderstorm

and the sky
she calms
cools
wraps her wind around me
asks me
not to go

but i owe
little
and i grow
brittle
bones that
aren’t made
for this earth
or for words -
slow hand-grenades
you throw

but at least i have my jacket
and yes, she’s a rainstorm,
a bow to the wind worn
and a farewell to the mellow
with a heart as soft as yellow

gold.

Gazer

2006-10-31T01:37:00.000-08:00

Droning,
i am a smooth transition
from high to low
with a cool admonition
that this night has slowed

i am drums
i am distorted electric guitars
i am reverb
i am delay
who are...

a voice
recalls a calm entity
that somehow
falters in its approach
and she, yes she, spins
arms akimbo
chin skyward
tears streaming
silent
tired
leaving

but

i am echo
i am hum
i am no more love
i am dumb

so spin will you
spin will you please
spin
spinner
with your hands
describing an arc
that shimmers free

wintered
weathered
worried
i am kneed
i am grounded
i am floated
i am leaving
and i can do this because
the reverb calls
as the tremolo falls
and the drummer halts
starts again
delays
fades out
fades in

and then she calls
again
her voice a flute
warning me
this beauty i seek
can burn me
turn me
cold
i will be not human
and the others will not
want to let me go
because the piece i scored
was a peace they adored

nonetheless
i am particles of sound
i am waves of distinction
i am forgotten so soon
i am
have always been

alone

have always been
happiest

alone

so radiate fade
radiate glow
grow
radiate hide
radiate ride this night for all it’s worth
and for what it’s worth, gazer,
this night has slowed.

Come

2006-10-30T00:02:00.000-08:00

A lightning
travels
from point to
point

illuminating a hand
reaching
for a silver
handle

straining, an ailing back
arches
to compensate for
loose waves of electricity
now moving about
freely

but there is a slight
moaning
a constant droning
a lo-fi hum
a kind of slow hand
on a warm
drum

and there is a body
calling
from a cradle
curdling
and fifty billion reasons
why i can’t love you
even as you come away reeling.

Some damaged

2006-10-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

Disconnect the dots
to find the exact moment
when the damage began

close my eyes
count to ten
again
and…

i’m there now,
hovering above you
watching you, all curled up,
an egg rocking back and forth
in a little human’s place of
slumber

and a reflection caught
in a dry section of window pane
speaks the truth
where a figure glides by
goes not escaping into the wet night
but instead, to the warm embrace of
indifference

i am there now
beside you
holding you
though not touching you
watching new worlds
explode in tears that have
no voice

and through that slow window
i allow my self to flow
only turning back once
in hopes that
there shining in the darkness
some damaged
should know
that often from spoiled beginnings
a new, more compelling, kind of flower
may grow.

Surely is not a name

2006-10-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

They sound like alarms going off or a pair of tennis shoes rolling around in a dryer or something, i’m not quite sure to tell you the truth - it does seem they don’t break easily, though, so don’t worry, and remember the longest one, well, just try not to draw it, for the roads today are full of grey faces, and i, beneath a violent lantern, laugh to myself, so much so that my teeth abruptly fall to the floor, a ceramic sort of floor, a balancing act between breaking above asphalt upon which my brothers and sisters sweat silent morphemes, or better yet, a few transitory moments of non-sound feigning meaning that went, 'had i known you ten years before, i could have held you with no shame, but the coolness in this thin air reminds me of nothing quite so fantastic'

so
you have driven me
sat beside me
bled me
freely

and
you have commanded me
demanded me
when you were
down

and bells on boots remind me of a swallowed Christmas a certain happiness traversing a sudden throat into a vacant room where [his] black charcoal lines stretch skyward across a warm canvas - a dark field of wheat where the last hint of a headful of midnight hue flows, slides, slips, feeds the earth it’s residue.

Nor forward unbarred, destroyer

2006-10-13T00:29:00.000-07:00

Cannot i sleep
four inherit the weep
and blinding the lights
the instruments
a whirring warms the heart
that bleeds
tonight

a stealthy hand
will precise will land
a jugular a blow
cause the insolent to
ask

how long must i give and not receive?

but you are a dead wind falling heavy
taking forever in your pocket
with one hand
and the other the left
cannot right the wrongs of a brother
and then your lips will blacken
part, whisper, sing in A-minor

how long can i take and never give?

this blind destroyer
has the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen,
and you know i swim there on lonely nights like these,
through those giant brown pools, knowing full well
i will not go unscarred
nor forward unbarred.

Mary lost a friend

2006-10-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

One dot, three, a flattened plastic ball rolls no more and
i have searched the world over to let Mary come over but
this red light, small green light, won't change her ways and
in between breaths, with every other sound, a new note
exchanges place, waits, holds, picks up speed, plays
not in tandem - two hearts burning

my being is a golden orb of pulsing light and
her hair is the color of midnight and
absorption is a word that eats itself to maintain
a certain intimacy

but i have died, i swear i have died, i know i have died, so many times
in your turning away, in the shadow of your empty stead
i have deflated, fought off motion,
to forever hang on to this moment
to break free of the possibility of ever going away

and near two o'clock in the morning
Mary cracks a window
wonders about the wind
and the happenstance of
a friend.

Filmstrip cut into separate frames, multiplied, no one

2006-10-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

A dessert of frozen goods
makes me want to fly
and ‘earth is the color
of the tortured sky,’
you said
an oak desk sits in an empty hallway
slightly askew
cries empty words
describes in veiled carvings
a heart shaped love for two
initials added together
written below
forever
and a slow parade moves outside
as no one walks by
noticing synthetic containers
blue, green, gold
hovering, chemical happiness
Cindy smiles, Sara gasps, Johnny turns
paints a pale mask
below the streets
a spoiled water flows,
goes, makes music
and no one notices the rodent
on hind legs,
motioning in the air
little signed gestures,
‘i want to see the show,
why can’t i go there?’
as the festival erupts upstairs
the dinner table rotates into view
and daddy’s face
blurs, bleeds into a plate of sausage and sauerkraut,
'our mother’s humble offering
will not go to waste,
not in this place'
and I will take mine
underneath my chair,
feeling the cool worms
travel through my hair
praying the activity above will
gray
spin down
lie
on the ground
beside me
utter,
‘this vision is all yours, little one.’

Somewhere nearby a guitar rips through the night,
wails, whines, implodes,
watches me from a distance
suggests I’m not making sense
then embraces me, breathes, 'you are home.'

A calm one

2006-10-05T00:53:00.000-07:00

Brittle words, or words that easily vibrate when the lips come together
hold some importance, I’m sure,
but only momentarily,
for the genius that fails to surface often
fades

but there's a coffin to break the silence
and an emotion to give it license
as a lover loosens hold on
at once the possibility of
change

mark this down
this time, just mark this one down

a calm one never spoke until spoken to
and fresh earth has a way of opening
blind hands

a crime.

Some no more fallen

2006-09-22T02:03:00.001-07:00

at first and all at once
i am fallen i am floored
a twisting mutating thing before you
i gather pieces of broken
i swallow moments of shallow
i call out to handfuls of empty
i brace myself for the freezing night to come
i shiver the shudders closed
i hate myself to better health
i hold the wealth of the poor in my breath
i scrape the stains of the north
i bleed the balloons that burn in a boy’s mind
i hold the fence so that she will come
i cry out not her name
i am pain
i am slain
i am small
i am smaller
i am smallest
i am going to find the silence
and tell her i love her
when no one else can hear her
i will be her saviour
i will pause
turn
watch the empire explode in the distance
fill the sky with indifference
blow her out of existence
then give birth to a new day
a new way
at first and all at once
i am fallen no more
i am

Birdland

2006-06-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

Not as substantial as I could have been,
I had become a trace element in a linguistic storm,
donning a crooked smile that could no longer conceal
the process of my wasting away-

So, swords for hands,
I cut a piece of time from out of the dying night,
and letting it fall, I watched it drift into the distance,
realizing that in its place, some kind of opening had remained-
Stepping through,
I slipped down and away;
though in falling I felt no fear,
for the earth, well,
she seemed to disappear-
and I now, a part of the sky eternal,
found I could fly,
and I, so blissfully alone,
at once embraced
my passion for nothing-
and thus with wings unleashed,
I moved effortlessly through this new dawn,
carried on waves of pure sound,
towards no particular destination;
a phoenix, had I become.

Twinning

2006-06-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

A crash,
a collision -
a momentary
recognition

For a second I thought your deep brown eyes were my own.

And so through them
I saw numbers collide,
as towers of reason crumbled,
having been swallowed up by their own shadows,
which spread endlessly across the blackest tundra,
expanded outwards
to meet the sky –
and finally, I saw I
rising up above a certain destruction,
shaking off the detritus
of a place that should have never been –
I had all at once come home; found my twin,
and apparently, it was time to go.

An apology,
a walking away –
an attempt at union,
so slipped away.

Star the black or shine the sun skin burned

2006-06-07T21:35:00.000-07:00

With arms akimbo
he fell further from his mark

thus crucified the hellion, was to ever climb upward,
thus fleshed the electric, was to moment the timefulness
of this earthly space
and
the mountaintop
conquered
the sky

as
the linguist
destroyed
reason

allowing
his one true reflection
to become
a vacant introspection
of a handful of never was
and a mouthful of desperate hollow
that for awhile gave in to the separate,
ideal (unexpected),
and hid in the day
a pocketful of
vanished.

So now light up, freeze, melt away,
star the black to not resolve reality,
nor shine the sun skin burned.

Sara dropped a token or To Sky Heavenward

2006-06-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

Sara dropped a token
and her world exploded
halfway between here and there
the construct that kept her frozen
opened a door to Sky Heavenward.

The nuts and bolts that were meant to hold her together
failed
and all at once was revealed the unrevealed.

She now,
a blazing, burning beauty, took her first breath,
abandoned all eloquence for an absolute truth
that had until now been hidden away within her,
not unlike a child forgotten.

Having let the token fall,
the gray that was the number three
smiled as Sara let it wrap its arms about her-
in less than an hour,
she would be home.

FAOY

2006-06-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

Forever
owing
on
loving
solo

a
lone
lover

on
fire

yellowing
over…
undertowed.

A communion of stars

2006-05-06T00:08:00.001-07:00

'Gone in an instant’ was not the feeling
but rather a feigned sort of stealing
that we had managed to delay

and as heaven folded, collapsed, fell from the sky,
the earth struggled evenly to break her fall

four seconds later, from a smallish white room,
in a nameless happenstance of a place,
a plaster wall rippled along a corridor,
warped steadily under unknown pressures,
opened up, threw splinters asunder,
revealed the wonder that is hell,

he, the progenitor of all human circumstance
broke free from the eternal intercourse of dissonance
inspired a communion of stars
that hovers now undisturbed, above the aftermath of our reign.

Gulf

2006-04-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

An outstretched hand advances
makes its way through waves of doubt,
tidal in its motion,
reaches its destination,
plants firmly on pale skin

a curtain, a veil, a subatomic barrier,
shudders violently as two bodies collide,
maintains the illusion of separation

a cool ocean, the face of the admired,
the face of the loved, and a desire to commune
somehow whole but never enough, a warm gulf
signifies a distance far greater,
never conquered

electricity erupts along the fabric atomic,
strains against the lack of weight, the abundance of
desire, hearts afire does not compute

four fingers falling, a thumb in tow,
retracing steps through a gulf ever widening,
spurned on by a letting go,
every attempt closing in on
one unified moment.

Casey Has Broken the Sky

2006-04-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

Everything is a blur, an apple-blue, howling blur.
This lasts for a few minutes,
then through the haze a crackling voice is heard,

“Casey! Are you there? I’m talking to you. Are you there?”

and then the camera, she has eyes, I’m not kidding, big round eyes,
peering, as if a snake…

…as if a snake, she is my head, peering down the length of my shattered arms, watching my hands as they become fans,
those Tokyo-type of fans, leaving trails of you in their wake,

“I thought you were real!”

and the earth, she begins to quake
as the sky…
…he begins to break

while some distance off, Casey, he points forever to the sky
wishing you or I
could see the vapor trail he left behind.

Uncertainty

2006-04-16T23:34:00.000-07:00

Not enough calm to realize the moment
before me,

I focus on a child’s pointing finger -
we are somehow the same.

Not enough time to get the words out
correctly,

I stare down at the plate before me,
a child’s voice; she’s calling.

Not enough space to wrap my arms
around you,

I flounder, in this moment,
alone, see?

Not enough understanding of what it is
that defines me,

I let go of the futility,
knowing no certainty.

Capricorn

2006-01-10T01:09:00.000-08:00

The handle of the misshapen knife blade bore the inscription
Capricorn, sparkled in the sun
Detective X jotted a few lines in her notepad, wondered
about numbers, toyed with strings, couldn’t quite get her head
around
time.

a body, torn apart, an obvious revolution had taken place here,
the appendages rebelled, came off, smelled, blistered now under
hot sun

X, she a woman, dwelled for a while with the dead, reported
the facts, crossed over into an alternate reality where a sea goat stood
perched on its bluish tail, smiling at her as if welcoming the hunter
into the heart of hell…

she now fell…

The handle of the misshapen knife blade bore no particular markings of interest
Detective X jotted a few lines in her notepad, wondered
about numbers, toyed with strings, couldn’t quite get her head
around
time.

16 401a

2006-01-04T01:19:00.000-08:00

Broken strings numbers falling
upwards, unit 16 401a collapsed again
today

the tech said, “we should simply allow it to
self-destruct – it will never be missed
amongst the multitude of others from the same line.”

-static-

a bathtub bleeding red
the news – a man,
a floater,
a bowl of tomato soup,
a wrist opened up just for you

-fade to Jane in a slow window frame-

put this moment in a jar and
remember to let it loose when
the days become too much for you.

Shallow vista

2005-12-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

Nothing, an armchair frown reflects in the video screen the sad frame from which some flesh hangs nothing this lack of movement feels like freedom like a warm coat on a dripping day raining away like cracked leather in a dirty El Camino where i cut flesh into various shapes reminding me of those who have forgotten how to express love i want you all to suffer as if you could perceive reality from my vantage point (a shallow vista of sorts) - with eyes wide open to the nothing that you are.

A brush full of fog

2005-11-28T00:23:00.000-08:00

An empty canvas calling
wakes me from a dream
in which i had been falling
or flying so it seems…

with a brush full of fog and a head full of hollow
i painted a wet path and dulled out the street lights below

that shone on her face all wrapped up in gauze,
she had been made a gift, a pretty plastic lift,
though her soul they had failed to change

a ‘lift’, that’s what they call it in that language
it’s really no more than an elevator
and i promise, this one only goes to heaven
because nothing works in hell.

Spineless

2005-10-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

Severed
personal
ideals,
nullifying
ethical
license and
eliminating
sense of
self.

PerimeTer

2005-09-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

Passion for life
evolved, drew silent faces,
revolved, while sparkling caricatures of
intimate seeded futures

merged into the deep lines of my faults
enhanced.

Teleported, i did, and told a friend about the
end, then skimming the outer rim,
returned to begin... again?

Christina

2005-09-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

The sky bruised over,
turned a blackish sort of blue,
whispered, "Christina."

Green

2005-09-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

That 'something' profound has yet to make it's way,
has somehow gotten lost
or simply failed to show it's face

or maybe it's that i haven't been looking in the right direction -
or haven't been trying hard enough,
or have simply failed to be strong enough
to bring about some change

whatever the reason for it's reluctance to appear
i feel there is a direct connection with this situation and
my lack of will to continue.

Changeling

2005-08-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

Violent i have bled
a river from the head
a book i've never read
speaks volumes of it's father

changeling this is costly
you should have never crossed me
a dead girl walking softly
through minds ablaze a daughter

your math is a lie
a science that cannot die
as necessary as you and I
look closely and you'll spot her.

Lighthouse

2005-06-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

Tendrils, your arms shot outward like mighty missiles headed home
as four fingers forward, mine, waved through the mist left behind
wishing i had never known
such despair.

two beacons, your eyes were beaming giants of the purest black light
searching me as you spoke to me, carefully following the vapor trail of
my longing
for touch.

a fog, a haze, a somehow better, more attractive state - my departure
i am the multitude of opportunities passed over, caught in the draft of your pulling away
and indifference
to love.

Alive outside

2005-06-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

Darkness
evades
again
delays

infers
nothing
save
imaginary
days
everlasting.

Brown eyes - burning

2005-05-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

The day my hand stopped moving was
the day i failed to meet you
so i cut a hole in the space before me
to craft a face as yours, a door, see

and i'd have you look upon me
while removing all surface meaning
so that you might see the real thing
that i am and not the loathing

pause

breathe in

begin again

exhaling, my hand a motion takes
untethered the past emotion fakes
a smile suggests an ocean breaks
a dam for brown eyes - burning.

Lover

2005-03-28T10:47:00.000-08:00

Leaving was the strangest part
of my days with you, always
verging on the inevitable, recalling
each day, incredible, like a love song
reminding, how love could be blinding.

Ours

2005-03-22T12:08:00.000-08:00

I feel on the verge of an idea, on the brink of something apocolyptic like there's something teetering on the tip of my tongue, sitting there semi-lucid,
waiting for a tap on the shoulder
it's female, this thing that drives me to static interludes,
or moments of clarity, or a stillness that i cannot reach simply by not moving
and in this docile state, i would think that she would show herself, but the truth never comes - at least not in this frame

and you know i am still often amazed when i see one of you pass me by
maybe i am disturbed by the free will you possess, something so natural so obviously normal, gives me the chills
that we are separate entitites, does not somehow make sense to me,
but maybe i simply live too often the public life on the surface,
foregoing the underlying of which i am so fond

(that the love i want to feel for you all would be discarded, breaks me)

and thus i'm on the verge of greatness of messianic proportions, but if i allow myself to believe this absurdity then i am surely doomed, aren't i?
for we know damn well that all visionaries must die violently

so... a visionary? me? no, surely not
the messiah? yeah right

all i ever wanted to do was prove to you that you are the thing that i cannot believe myself to be
in this, my current evolution, i am finding it difficult to believe the truth; a truth that is not only mine but rather, each and every one of ours.

Beautiful figment

2005-03-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Oh beautiful one,
you with the golden smile
i thought you should know
i've cherished you now for quite awhile
after twenty years, i thought you should know

and it seems
you are a figment
some kind of intangible observer
inherently safe within the confines of a dream

there,
my hands cannot touch you,
my lips cannot kiss you,
nor words, can they reach you

so fear not, my figment - you are well preserved

and clutching your knees into your chest
you smile in my direction as if suggesting...
somehow saying, "i do not see you the way you seem to."

and i have watched you watching me for so long now
sitting there in some phantom pasture,
underneath a generic sort of tree
with the wind blowing gently through your hair
i have watched you sitting there

and i have convinced myself that your smile,
albeit an equation of some kind of chemical persuasion,
was an invitation for a rendezvous
but i could never seem to find you,

that kind of tree doesn't seem to grow here anymore.